tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 8, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
everybody out there. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: truth to wake them up! wake up! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) show time! hey, jon. how are you? good to see you, my friend? how you doing? >> jon: good, good, solid. >> stephen: how are your hamstrings, jon? >> jon: yeah, they're nice and stretched. >> stephen: i have to stretch mine out before i do anything rough tonight. welcome to "the late show," everybody. life is good, isn't it? ( cheers and applause ) it's not all bad news out there. some of it is absolutely fantastic. for instance, it's getting warmer. spring training right now upon down in florida. i just saw this heartwarming
at a child's head. ( laughter ) did you guys see this today? danny ortiz of the pittsburg pirates is up to bat, takes a chop at it, the bat flies out of his hands-- apparently they have not gotten to the part of spring training where they are trained to hold on to the bat-- and it goes straight for the skull of an eight-year-old boy in the stands. and check out how his father protected him with his forarm. look at that! ( applause ) that dad-- that dad-- there's your season m.v.p., and the season hasn't even started. the dad's name is sean cunningham. his eight-year-old son is landon. and this photo is all over social media, and believe it or not, some jerks have criticized the boy for not paying attention because he's looking at his
which is totally unfair. it's not the boy's fault that baseball is so boring. i'm not sure the phone is on. he's just looking-- i am feeling a little inadequate and i think a lot of fathers are. not just because of what the dad did. check out his forarm. it's like seeing the bat next to the tree it was made from. i can't compete with that. hold on. let's trade, let's trade. okay. ( cheers and applause ) you take this. okay. okay. here we go. this is-- i want to show you my forarm, okay? here's my forearm. okay? here's my forearm, ready? here's a regulation-sized bat. my forearm. now you see the it. now you don't. ( cheers and applause ) now you see it, now you don't.
can we please go back to celebrating dad bod? ( laughter ) it's really-- it's really depressing. anyway, we've got a great show i will be talking to oscar-winning actress, the lovely dame helen mirren is here, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) then i'll be talking to the director of "star trek" and "star wars", sir j.j. abrams will be sitting down with us tonight. sir j.j., why not. and we will have music from d.m.a.'s! ( band playing ) over there, in left field, that's jon batiste and stay human, everybody.
they are about to gun the "late show" camaro and jump it over jazz canyon, but before they do, one more thing. a new study says binge-watching tv can cause depression. which explains the new phrase, "netflix and weep into a pint of ice cream." >> tonight, stephen welcomes helen mirren. j.j. abrams. and a musical performance by d.m.a.'s. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: here you go! mmm! mmm! i'll tell you one of the things, one of the reasons that story of the kid almost getting hit in the head with the bat really resonates with me, when i was a kid, i really liked to throw the bat after i hit the ball. possibly-- i'm not sure where i learned it, but possibly because i had seven brothers, and i was the youngest, and i learned how to bat from them, and they were backyard. so if they hit the ball in our backyard, they would hit and just kind of let it fly, like a gladiator throwing away his sword after he decapitated his opponent. so as a kid i used to always hit
let the bat fly. it would just go off look a helicopter of death towards the stand. and my coach would always say, "don't do that! don't throw the bat!" and one day i was playing sandlot baseball at my school in james island, south carolina. ( cheers and applause ) carolina, fans? all right, there are some good people out there from james island. and they know it's all just sand out there if you dig down more than an inch because it's just an old beach with trees on it. and i qot a nice hit, i got a nice hit, and i let the bat go and it starts flying away and i almost take the first base and then i remember, "oh, yeah, coach says, don't throw the bat." and i turned around in time to see the bat, still in air, still just whipping around, and make perfect contact with a kid my age, like fourth grade, right there, sweet spot, right to sweet spot. and to my dying day, i will
kid just going bop, like a starfish and falling over backwards like a duck at an amusement park shooting gallery. and i didn't know what to do until, of course, the crowd started yelling, "run! take your base!" and by the time i got on to second, and by the time i got back to home, i think they had dragged him off by his ankles. i'm sure he was fine. i'd like to say i'm sorry to whoever that was, if you ever recovered. ( laughter ) hey, i'd like to do a quick now. i do this every so often. it's a quick poll about presidential candidates. bern? ( cheers and applause ) fine. thank you. i have my sample size. thank you very much. well, brace yourself. i've got some shocking news
in michigan, senator sanders dropped a bomb shell about burning down. >> i've done marijuana twice in my life when i was very young ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: woooh! woooh! woooh! why are we cheering? because he smoked pot? he only smoked twice! i don't think this is admission is on brand for bernie. senator, do you know who your supporters are? i will tell you this much, twice... smoked marijuana twice since i started this sentence. i for one am shocked by bernie's admission. remember when he dropped this track on us? as i went walking
i saw above me that endless skyway i saw below me >> stephen: he recorded a reggae cover of a socialively anthem and expects us to believe he only smoked pospottwice? was one of those times for 10 years, senator. the only reason i can think of that the senator from the people's republic of vermont has only sparked up twice is that maybe bernie thought it clashed with his political beliefs. "if we pass the dutchie on the left hand side, the bottom 10% of people to the right are getting 80% less dutchie than the elite 1% on dee left hand side. i promise in my administration there will be equal redistribution of dee dutchie." ( cheers and applause ) is what i imagine he would say. ( laughter ) of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety,
prescription? every voter in america, because this campaign season has been brutal. as the candidates fight and then the candidates fall, everybody just thirsts for their blood. it's terrible. it's like "the hunger games." no, it's worse than that. it's "the hungry for power games." ( cheers and applause ) welcome! welcome to "the hungry for power games"! tributes, assemble! oh, so few remain. you can barely count them on one of trump's teensy little doll hands. ( laughter ) and last week, yet another tribute fell, as retired neurosurgeon and ambien-american ben carson announced he was
>> now that i am leaving the campaign trail-- >> no! >> you know, there are a lot of people who love me. they just won't vote for me. >> stephen: oh, well, oh, well. you know the old saying, "love means never having to say you're sorry you voted for ben carson." but his fall was not unexpected. he failed to win a single state on super tuesday-- or on average wednesday-- and carson told supporters he sees "no path forward." doctor, with your eyes closed, you can't see anything forward. ( cheers and applause ) oh, oevment! my champagne is going flat! where's my voiceless eunuch! this is andro.
man-boy. andro, make happy bubble now. ( cheers and applause ) more! more! good. shhh! shhhh! shhh! no need to thank me. no need to thank me. back in the pit. back in the pit, andro. ( cheers and applause ) ah, yes. yes. now that has all the sparkle that ben carson lacked. where was i? where was i? yes, yes, yes, yes! oh, yes! when the brave doctor announced his campaign, he set the tone with a rousing battle cry: >> i'm not a politician. i don't want to be a politician. >> stephen: wish granted!
mmm! some in capitol city were surprised he didn't put up more of a fight, given this inspiring story of a childhood knife fight. >> i had a large camping knife, and i tried to stab him in the abdomen, and fortunately he had on a large metal belt buckle on under his clothing, and the knife blade struck with such force that it broke, and he fled in terror. ( laughter ) >> stephen: sadly, voters just don't trust someone who is bad at murder. so let us bid farewell to the
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good night, sweet prince, good night. that is, assuming you were ever awake. we'll be right back with helen mirren. this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress, whose new film is "eye in the sky." >> i need legal clearance right now. >> a missile? >> yes. >> so this is no longer a capture situation? >> no, we have two suicide vests with explosives inside that house so can you clear me to a higher c.d.e.? harold, this is a very time-sensitive target. do i have authority to strike? the rules of engagement you're operating under only allow for low collateral damage. >> the explosives inside that house bring it to a potential high cde. >> and since the explosives are in there, i can see a potential legal objection.
and three very high-value individualsed in that house. >> and you want them off your list, i understand that, but the rules envision a capture not a kill scenario. >> stephen: please welcome dame helen mirren. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> if i didn't do it them i'd never get to do it, so, you know, i have been dreaming of doing that for about, you know, 15 years.
i'm so sorry. >> stephen: i suddenly can't remember any questions. that is one of the nicest greetings any guest has ever given me. >> your lips are very soft. >> stephen: wow. you know what you're doing. ( laughter ) you really know what you're doing. thank you so much for being here! ( laughter ) can you imagine the number of people who are jealous of me right now? >> including me when i watch it. i'll be going, "oooh! why didn't i do more?" >> stephen: well, i'll tell you what, the night is young, dame helen. ( laughter ) you are absolutely a fantastic actress, a capt vaight woman. and on a level i never imagined before. ( laughter ) and-- and you're a dame. >> i am. >> stephen: another i have interviewed some sirs-- they never cizzed me. kissed me.
>> stephen: not even iain mckellan. that would have been lovely. helin mirren-ian mckellan sandwich? does it come with anything cool being a game daim? >> it comes with a very nice, glittery star you can aware to big functions. on the invitation it says-- not honors, but it says you can wear your thing. >> stephen: if it's a very wear the thing. >> yes, you can aware the thing. >> stephen: we don't have that over here. >> you should. because so many americans do such incredible things. >> stephen: they do. >> for their country, for thur community, for all kind of reasons and there really should be some form of recognition. >> stephen: then we would need a monarchy and we're at least nine months away from that. ( cheers and applause ) don't you think? monarchy. i don't think it would be a monarchy.
different thing. >> stephen: it could be, it we'll see. we'll see. you know a little thing or two about monarchy because you played a queen of some part, something like seven or eight times, right? >> possibly, yes. i haven't counted. >> stephen: you played elizabeth ii twice. you have played queen sharl popt you played elizabeth i. >> yes, yes. queen margaret. >> stephen: queen margaret. >> cleopatra. >> stephen: did you go all i watt through putting the apse on your breast? >> yes, we had a real one that escaped into the theater. >> stephen: seriously. you have a real aspe on stage? >> absolutely. obviously, it wasn't a poisonous one. we don't know. >> stephen: don't break the illusion. don't break the illusion. >> yeah, it came out of the box all like this. and then it escaped one night. and it's probably still in the bowels of the theater somewhere. >> stephen: well, did you learn anything from playing a queen? do you have any sympathy for them?
i really appreciate and respect our present queen elizabeth, elizabeth windsor. i think she's done an incredible you know, long, dedicated dutiful job for her country. i think it's really amazing what she's done. but i'm-- i'm not a monarchist particularly. >> stephen: for those who ( laughter ) because i don't really mean to belittle. i don't understand necessarily what they do. to americans they're fascinating. we love the royalty. >> what do-- they just have to be incredibly nice to people all day long, every day. ( laughter ) and then, of course, people are very nice to them all day long, every day. >> stephen: until they're not. until they're not. they get savaged in the press. >> i think when that first started that must have been a real shock to the system for them because they really weren't used to that. but, you know, you watch the queen at work, and it's just
shaking hands, smiling at people, encouraging them. where do you come from? that's what she always asks, "and where do you come from?" and then really doesn't listen to the answer at all. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's the easy part of the job. >> i'm from mars and i live in mars, and, yes, i am an alien. >> stephen: how delightful. >> how very interesting. anyway... on to the next. >> stephen: well, your majesty, you can hang on for a second. we have to take a little commercial, and if you deign to give us your presence, we would be very honored. we'll be back with more helen
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you care fair spot of tea? >> oh, my god! i'd love a cup of tea. >> stephen: as the queen of all our hearts i thought it would be nice to have a cup of tea. >> how gorgeous! >> is it bags?>> stephen: no, it's brewed teas. >> teas. >> that's lovely. >> stephen: is that too much? tell us about the movie. >> a little milk here. >> stephen: in the movie you >> i do. >> stephen: who is using drones to spy on terrorists. >> not to spy on -- >> not spy on. >> to attack. >> stephen: okay, but doesn't she have to spy, first? do you need something? >> i want more tea. >> stephen: more tea. you told me to stop. i was pouring and you told me to stop. >> then i put the milk in, and then there was too much milk and now i have to put a bit more tea to make it right. >> stephen: i don't think i'm getting another kiss at the end of this one. i've really grown bloen it.
there's conflict in the chain of command whether you can kill someone and have collateral damage and whether there is a distance between the military drone operator. and as the the this woman, who is the commander, who is very hawkish, is sort of a surprising figure because we don't think of this in america, we don't think of female military figures as being sort of hawkish and ready to kill. >> i'm sorry, but anybody who is in the military by nature is a hawk. that's the nature of their job. you don't want a dove. >> stephen: i guess not, guess not. >> at least the head of the military. >> stephen: when you were working on the character, is there something different for a-- the idea of a woman being a hawk as opposed to a man? >> i don't think so. i think that, obviously-- it was incidentally. >> stephen: really. woman. >> stephen: they said, "helen helen mirren is available, let's--." ( cheers and applause )
director said that it just gives-- it doesn't become a man, a bloke's movie about war. it gives it a broader human sort of perspective, really. but yes, it's about-- it's-- you know, i think it's a kind of a court drama with the audience as the jury. i'm really hoping that doesn't cause any divorces because it's the kind of movie that when you come out of people will have very fierce opinions about the issues, about what's right, what's wrong, what would do you in that position what, you wouldn't do in that position? >> stephen: is the technology in the movie accurate? they have these little drones-- little beetles, tiny little things. >> it is. >> stephen: smaller than a humming bird, smaller than a beetle flying into people's houses and spying on them. >> that's real. the technology is at that point and it's going to go much further beyond that point in the
that's what's so extraordinary. i mean, obviously a lot of this is-- i'm sure it's sort of secret in a sense -- >> not anymore. >> not anymore. >> stephen: thanks a lot, helen mirren. >> have we done something. >> stephen: can i ask what that-- that tattoo? is that okay to ask what that is? >> yes what, it means? >> stephen: yes, what does it mean? against each other. >> it kind of means equal and opposite. so something can be as different from you as you can possibly imagine but have equal value to yourself. that's the overall idea of it. i used to tell people i got it in prison before my sex change. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, they did a very, very good job, let me just say. >> yes, it was very expensive. no, but, i got my tattoo when only hell's angels" and criminals had tattoos. >> stephen: in the 70s? >> exactly right.
>> stephen: really? >> yes, with a safety pin. >> stephen: with a safety pin and, like air, bottle of ink or something? >> yes, a bottle of ink. >> stephen: you're fascinating. i understand you were something of a carnival barker when you were younger. there's a different name in england. >> i was at the convent school so i was a good girl -- >> you were at a convent school? >> yes. >> stephen: you can ever think about taking the orders? >> you know, i did. when i was about 11 or 12. >> stephen: oh, you would be such trouble on those young poise you were teaching. it would have been so hard on them. >> it was an all girls' school. but anyway, it was a sort of saturday job. yes, i worked as a barker in the local. because i grew up in the sort of the british equivalent of coney island. it was a sort of seaside resort sort of place with carnivals and rides and stuff like that. so i worked in the carnival for a while. >> stephen: what did you do? sort of like, step up! step up! she walks, she talks, she crawls
gorilla, gorilla! come inside! >> i did what was gloan 91 as blagging. i was on a dart stall. >> stephen: exactly, like-- like a carnival where you throw the darts that hit balloons and stuff like that. >> so i had to get people to the stall, my stall, as opposed to any other stall. >> stephen: was it like hit the balloon and win a doll or something? >> yes. >> stephen: was it a total rip-off? >> yes. >> stephen: so you were a con man! >> yes, and i blag -- >> a tattooed convent who spent her time tay convent school. >> excuse me. sir, did you park at the gate? did you? i don't think you did? could you come here a second? i just want to ask you something. did you park in the gate? >> jon: yes. >> oh, good. come over here. now we've got a very good stall here. >> jon: yeah, over there. >> stephen: she got you. jon, helen. helen, jon.
( applause ) ( cheers ) >> jon: she got me. >> that's blagging. >> stephen: how much different is that from acting? >> it's exactly the same! you're so right. >> stephen: yeah. >> that was when my career began. i never thought of that. >> stephen: helen mirren, thank you so much for being here. it was an absolute pleasure to meet you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "eye in the sky" opens this friday. helen mirren, everybody. we'll be right back. instinct that lives within you. you like chaos. and in these times, we need that. we need you to rush in, when everyone else
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wow. wow. >> stephen: so nice to see you again. >> great to see you, sir. >> stephen: it's always a pleasure to be with you. you know why i think people like you, other than the fact that you're a damn nice guy? >> what's that, sir? >> stephen: people love hearing stories, and you're like the consummate storyteller. >> that is incredibly kind, and now i'm on the spot. >> stephen: no, you don't have to tell a story. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: i wouldn't mind knowing and i'm sure people wouldn't mind, do you have a philosophy how you tell stories, though? like, is there somewhere you want to start? do you start with a question? do you start with a mystery? >> not really. honestly, every story is a different thing and all you try to do is tell a story that will engage people emotionally. and i think in movies at least, there's a tendency to sometimes go for a visual effects sort of crutch to rely on spectacle. >> stephen: well, you're very good at that. you're very good at that. >> thank you. >> stephen: not the crutch part, but the spectacle. >> thanks. but anyway... ( laughter ) i think-- oh, my god. what i think is happening --
>> it's an amazing place. exactly. i think the key is just to try to tell a story that is as emotionally engaging as possible, despite all the spectacle. >> stephen: we spoke about this once before in front of a live audience for a benefit once, you said that your wife told you to stop with the lens flares. your wife, katie, said, "that's enough with the lens flares." >> katie's told me to stop with a lot of things. ( laughter ). >> stephen: but this time you listened. >> but lens flares i was like, okay, i'll stop. she was right. there was one scene in ""star trek" into darkness" that you going on. and it was a very important emotional scene. and alice eve, the actress, was somewhere behind this crazy lens flare glaring, and katie just looked at me and said, "okay, i think this is it. i think at this point you have to absolutely stop doing that." >> stephen: it's like putting on jewelry. put on everything you want before you go out, look in the mirror, and take off one lens flare. >> is that what you do?
let's talk about the new movie "10 cloverfield lane." this thing, i can't wait to see it, and you snuck up on people with this. this is kind of an amazing thing is that teem pooem did not see this coming. and suddenly j.j. abrams is producing a new movie. >> yes, but this was a movie directed by dan trachtenberg. i did not direct the movie. dan did an extraordinary job. it was his first film, which you would never know seeing it. it's a really scary, really weird-- it's a creation concoction. and we purposely doesn't announce it. we didn't talk about it for a year, six months, two months before -- >> how do you make a film, a big film-- john goodman is a star. you're a star producer with a big studio. it's like beyonce dropping an album on a wednesday afternoon. >> that's how beyonce and i roll. ( laughter ) no. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: very similar. >> very similar. >> stephen: it's the hips. >> what! no, what happened is it was sort of under the radar. we were working on this movie,
didn't announce the title until january. and the fun was to say-- we wanted to try and make it fun for the audience. so instead of saying, "hey in a year this movie it scoming out or six months," we said in two months this movie will come out and people seem to be enjoying the surprise of it. >> stephen: the people in the movie, the characters, do not seem to be enjoying it at all. we have a clip, we have a clip right now. john goodman has rescued mary elizabeth winstead. and she's trying to escape from an underground bunker that he has kept her in and says, "don't go outside. it's not safe." >> it's what happens when you need someone to save you and the person who saves you may be insane -- >> and you don't know. >> it's horrifying outside and it's terrifying inside and what do you do? >> stephen: and this is what she does. >> come on!
don't! >> no, don't go! no! don't open that door! >> there's a woman-- >> open the door! it's okay. i just-- i want to come inside! >> she looks hurt. she wants me to let her in! >> you can't help her! no one can! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: no, i would never. i would never-- i would go back to john goodman and say, "please forgive me. i can come back into the bunker again?" this is called "10 cloverfield lane." the obvious question is, is this a sequel to "cloverfield?" >> the easiest way to look at it is sort of a "twilight zone" anthology but there's a connective idea -- >> the same world? >> sort of. there's an anthology on the one the hand but there's another
>> stephen: there's always another narrative you're playing with. everything is a mystery, everything is a puzzle. people are going, his tie has four stripes. that's that's got to be something. you're faims for putting conund ra, different puzzles in your work. >> it's not about puzzles. it's the fun of something-- when people go to see a movie, you don't want to have seen everything in the trailer. when you're watching the film you want the audience to be asking questions. you want people to need to know more. it's not about playing with them. it'sing about btelling a story that's drawing you deeper into it. it's not like an approach. it's what a good story does. >> stephen: i like that. ( cheers and applause ) that should be carved into stone and put on the top of mount hollywood someplace. speaking of mount hollywood, you're absolutely standing on the top right now. i want to say, we haven't talked publicly, since your great
"star wars." >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) that was an incredible thing to work with that many people and to see everyone working so hard, and then to have it go okay. >> stephen: okay! okay! it's the most successful movie of all time. >> it was really like i know how much it meant not just to me, of course, but the of to the hundreds and literally thousands of people who worked on that thing. i was so relieved -- >> and the billions of people-- maybe a billion. maybe a billion people were looking ford that movie. that's possible, right? no pressure. >> all i know is -- >> a billion people. >> for the last month, every day, 100 people say to me, "how do you deal with the pressure? the pressure must be killing you." every day, and i would get in bed at night and think i'm going to have a heart attack. holy crap. so just the fact that we survived it, i'm grateful. >> stephen: more than survived. congratulations. amazing. as a fan of you and a fan of "star wars" thank you. i can't wait to see "10 cloverfield lane."
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their national television debut tonight. here performing "delete," please welcome dma's! don't forget about the stars, the sky lucid as the air that blows and light, that shines just a way to figure out her when the night is wrong take a little wander outside through the rain and snow just a way to figure out her don't delete my baby don't defeat her still in the quiet of nothing, to the hands of grace don't delete my baby
don't delete my baby won't you always find gonna shine a diamond like you never did gonna show you something i can't be taught don't delete my baby, i'll find a chorus now you know that i belong to be, reflections of myself let it all out just let it all out to fight the feeling don't take it to the one in mind always know it needs her to belong to find
and want to face the place take a little wander outside through the rain and snow just a way to figure out her don't defeat my baby don't delete her still in the quiet of nothing to the hands of grace don't delete my baby don't defeat her now don't defeat my baby won't you always find gonna shine a diamond like you never did gonna show you something i can't be taught don't delete my baby i'll find a chorus now you know that i belong to be
let it all out just let it all out to fight the feeling coming to break don't wait wait for me tonight opening the door shift horizons in good time you were there for me waking in the night let it catch you in the fall i know that you're right ease with me tonight break the moment in the dawn you were there for me waking in the dark know i'll meet you in the fall i could be the one you could be divine know i'll feel you in good time i know that you're right ease with me tonight
that's important to me. my name is glenn, and i'm an independent turkey farmer. (female announcer) honeysuckle white . no growth-promoting antibiotics, just honest, simple turkey. on the wheels of inevitability. bernie sanders. marched on washington. the status quo to end racial profiling, take on police misconduct, and take down a system that
there is no president who will fight harder to end institutional racism. education. opportunity. reform. bernie. i'm bernie sanders and i approve this message. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sally field, jerrod carmichael, and a performance by esperanza spalding. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause)